Nick Clegg to close Lib Dem conference with live autotune performance

Liberal Democrat chief scapegoat Nick Clegg is set to close the party’s conference in Brighton in fittingly absurd fashion by performing the autotune remix of his recently derided apology Youtube video.

It will conclude other unbelievable statements such as him claiming that the party should be proud of what they have achieved in government.

Next year’s gathering may be rebranded the Liberal Democrat Comedy Club as a result.

Policeman recommended for promotion after calling coalition “bunch of plebbs”

Politically correct

A policeman who often stands on duty outside Downing Street has given himself a good chance of promotion after hurling abuse at coalition ministers he lets it.

The bobby was commended for his honesty and shrewdness by identifying Nick Clegg and Andrew Mitchell amongst others as “plebbs” and other unpleasant things which cannot be repeated here.

One of his senior officers in the Met confided, “He displayed the right qualities and approach that we look for our officers when they deal with politicians.

“Whether he actually gets his promotion will depend on how he lays into Clegg in regards to the new video remix the dipstick allowed.”

Hunted Kate Middleton photographer “just wants some privacy”

French journalism at its finest

With an injunction granted against French peeping Toms “Closer” magazine and possible criminal charges pending, the photographer who originally took photos of a topless Kate Middleton has asked why people won’t give him a bit of peace and quiet.

“What’s the big deal? Why don’t people just leave me alone?” he fumed from his secret location.

Kaiser Chiefs sent down for two years for Who cover

UK authorities have followed the recent example set by their Russian couterparts and given band The Kaiser Chiefs a two-year sentence for their blasphemous cover of the Who during the Olympic closing ceremony.

The band produced one of the many, many dark moments of the night. Showing up was bad enough but performing a Who song put them on a level with Fatboy Slim in the giant octopus.

Whilst the sentence handed to Russian band Pussy Riot has caused controversy and debate, that given to The Kaiser Chiefs is expected to be welcomed by everyone.

Jimmy Carr’s tax return his funniest joke yet – HMRC

Comedian Jimmy Carr’s latest classic prank was played on a risky victim – Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

HMRC stated, “Normally Carr’s humour doesn’t do much for our staff, but one look at his tax return had them rolling on the floor.

“Joke’s on him this time.”

Prince Philip pulls “sicky” to get out of Jubilee events

Rough diamond (Jubilee)

Prince Philip has been taken to hospital feeling “under the weather” after realising he had another day or so of the Diamond Jubilee events to endure.

The Duke of Edinburgh took a severe turn for the worst upon learning the line up for tonight Buckingham Palace concert included Gary Barlow, Kylie Minogue and JLS.

One of his aide’s confessed, “I let it slip that Sir Paul McCartney could be performing up to four songs, and he then started complaining about something. For a change.”

It could prove to be the perfect end to the extended Jubilee weekend for the Queen, who was rumoured to be longing for a break from the miserable old sod.

Lady Warsi reports Labour party to police for being load of numpties

Lady Warsi has reported the Labour party to the police for being such an incompetent bunch of muppets.

It counteracts their move against her last night where an MP reported her to the police despite having no evidence whatsoever.

Warsi justified her retaliation: “I have significantly more evidence for reporting them based on their two years in opposition.

“This is a group of individuals who are fairly open about their plans to put Ed Balls in charge of the nation’s economy.

“If that’s not criminal intent, I don’t know what is.”

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