Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Hunted Kate Middleton photographer “just wants some privacy”

French journalism at its finest

With an injunction granted against French peeping Toms “Closer” magazine and possible criminal charges pending, the photographer who originally took photos of a topless Kate Middleton has asked why people won’t give him a bit of peace and quiet.

“What’s the big deal? Why don’t people just leave me alone?” he fumed from his secret location.


Kaiser Chiefs sent down for two years for Who cover

UK authorities have followed the recent example set by their Russian couterparts and given band The Kaiser Chiefs a two-year sentence for their blasphemous cover of the Who during the Olympic closing ceremony.

The band produced one of the many, many dark moments of the night. Showing up was bad enough but performing a Who song put them on a level with Fatboy Slim in the giant octopus.

Whilst the sentence handed to Russian band Pussy Riot has caused controversy and debate, that given to The Kaiser Chiefs is expected to be welcomed by everyone.

Aung San Suu Kyi rueful at being upstaged by George Galloway

Hollow victory

Despite her historic by-election win in Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi has spoken of her regret at the result being announced after George Galloway’s in Bradford West, which overshadowed her victory.

She hailed it a “new era” for her country, although admitted it could not really compare to the revolution going on in Bradford.

And she said she hoped that the people of Bradford could provide the inspiration for the Burmese to seize their chance of democracy in the future.

“We’re trying to recreate the ‘Bradford Spring’ here now,” she said.

“I didn’t know they even got much of a spring in the UK and perhaps that’s why Galloway made such a big song and dance about it.

“He proclaimed his win the most spectacular in by-election history – bar none – so I can’t really follow that.”


Adored champion

Middle East vs Bradford West

Burma is not the only country whose peoples’ efforts to earn themselves a new age of democracy have been forgotten due to George Galloway and the students of Bradford.

One of the protestors leading the marches in Syria conceded, “It’s been hard for everyone to focus on overthrowing Assad since the celebrations of Galloway’s win started.

“Ourselves and the other Arab countries still fighting for freedom from dictatorships have all been distracted as we joyously celebrate the heavenly future the people of Bradford West are guaranteed under their glorious new leader.

“Bradford West is currently shining like a beacon of hope as the rest of us continue our struggle against governments who are nearly as bad as the UK’s coalition.”

“Strauss-Kahn tried it on with me too,” insists Merkel

Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s reputation has taken a killer blow after Angela Merkel added her name to the everlasting list of women who claim he has tried to seduce them.

The German Chancellor revealed that the Frenchman made his move after a long and stimulating meeting discussing possible methods of fiscal stimulus for the Eurozone ran late in 2010.

“Everyone else went to bed and he immediately started acting differently,” Merkel explained.

Focused on economic growth

“He was talking a lot about his ‘special rescue package’ so I said I felt a migraine coming on.

“I told him he had more chance of solving the Greek debt crisis.”

Strauss-Kahn’s legal army were quick to refute the latest claims about their lucrative client.

One lawyer said, “Mr Strauss-Kahn categorically denies he implicitly approached Angela Merkel.

“He was actually rather blunt and explicit about his intentions.

“His political career was over a long time ago so his best shot seems to be as a late-blooming porn star, and why not?

“He’ll probably end up more popular than if he’d carried on with the IMF.”

Megamillions winners “ready” for life getting bothered by people like Dennis Rodman

The owners of the three winning tickets of the Mega Millions draw in the US are waking up to the realisation that their lives have changed forever.

Having won more than $200 million each, they will now spend each day avoiding people begging them to share their good fortune with them.

From now on, not only will they be rich beyond their wildest dreams, but they will also receive correspondence in the form of e-mails, phone calls and letters from strangers asking for money.

Lucky bounce

One of the first people who might be tempted to try the winners’ generosity is Dennis Rodman after the former NBA star was revealed to be in debt after blowing millions from his lucrative career.

But there are many, many more willing to try their luck in the hope of guilting the new Mega Millionaires into separating from a tiny fraction of their cash.

Reg from Texas insisted, “I couldn’t get a ticket cuz I spent it all on beers this month but I’ll be giving those lucky devils a call once I find out who they are and ask them to finance the boob-job I want my wife to have.

“They won’t notice the money’s gone.”

Mel from Arizona confidently added, “If they’re decent, God-fearing people they’ll give everything they’ve got to others who aren’t so fortunate, like me.

“That’s what I’d do.”

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