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Archive for September, 2012

Nick Clegg to close Lib Dem conference with live autotune performance

Liberal Democrat chief scapegoat Nick Clegg is set to close the party’s conference in Brighton in fittingly absurd fashion by performing the autotune remix of his recently derided apology Youtube video.

It will conclude other unbelievable statements such as him claiming that the party should be proud of what they have achieved in government.

Next year’s gathering may be rebranded the Liberal Democrat Comedy Club as a result.

Policeman recommended for promotion after calling coalition “bunch of plebbs”

Politically correct

A policeman who often stands on duty outside Downing Street has given himself a good chance of promotion after hurling abuse at coalition ministers he lets it.

The bobby was commended for his honesty and shrewdness by identifying Nick Clegg and Andrew Mitchell amongst others as “plebbs” and other unpleasant things which cannot be repeated here.

One of his senior officers in the Met confided, “He displayed the right qualities and approach that we look for our officers when they deal with politicians.

“Whether he actually gets his promotion will depend on how he lays into Clegg in regards to the new video remix the dipstick allowed.”

Hunted Kate Middleton photographer “just wants some privacy”

French journalism at its finest

With an injunction granted against French peeping Toms “Closer” magazine and possible criminal charges pending, the photographer who originally took photos of a topless Kate Middleton has asked why people won’t give him a bit of peace and quiet.

“What’s the big deal? Why don’t people just leave me alone?” he fumed from his secret location.

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