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Nick Clegg to close Lib Dem conference with live autotune performance

Liberal Democrat chief scapegoat Nick Clegg is set to close the party’s conference in Brighton in fittingly absurd fashion by performing the autotune remix of his recently derided apology Youtube video.

It will conclude other unbelievable statements such as him claiming that the party should be proud of what they have achieved in government.

Next year’s gathering may be rebranded the Liberal Democrat Comedy Club as a result.

Policeman recommended for promotion after calling coalition “bunch of plebbs”

Politically correct

A policeman who often stands on duty outside Downing Street has given himself a good chance of promotion after hurling abuse at coalition ministers he lets it.

The bobby was commended for his honesty and shrewdness by identifying Nick Clegg and Andrew Mitchell amongst others as “plebbs” and other unpleasant things which cannot be repeated here.

One of his senior officers in the Met confided, “He displayed the right qualities and approach that we look for our officers when they deal with politicians.

“Whether he actually gets his promotion will depend on how he lays into Clegg in regards to the new video remix the dipstick allowed.”

Lady Warsi reports Labour party to police for being load of numpties

Lady Warsi has reported the Labour party to the police for being such an incompetent bunch of muppets.

It counteracts their move against her last night where an MP reported her to the police despite having no evidence whatsoever.

Warsi justified her retaliation: “I have significantly more evidence for reporting them based on their two years in opposition.

“This is a group of individuals who are fairly open about their plans to put Ed Balls in charge of the nation’s economy.

“If that’s not criminal intent, I don’t know what is.”

Hunt decided not to resign despite making Murdoch’s wife jealous

“I just called to say…”

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt told the Leveson Inquiry on Thursday that he decided it was not necessary for him to resign despite making James Murdoch’s wife jealous with ceaseless affectionate texts during the BSkyB bid.

David Cameron said Hunt was in the clear despite texts coming to light reading “We’re nearly there James!” and “If it gets past Brussels I’m all yours”.

Murdoch’s wife flew into a rage upon discovering only a selection of the intimate messages on her husband’s mobile, although Rupert’s partner did not react in similar fashion after being uninterested in such matters since the start up of Fox News.

Hunt admitted, “I considered resigning but as I was able to make my advisor a scapegoat and Dave at number 10 was more interested in stealing money from charities I really didn’t see the point.”

Bunch of Russian grannies far more appealing than Engelbert Humperdinck

They’ve still got it

Last night’s Eurovision conclusively proved that even a group of Russian grannies is more appealing to Europeans than Engelbert Humperdinck.

The UK edged Norway into last place in a style which reflected their abysmal friendly football victory, whilst Sweden won with Russia second.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel explained her vote: “Whilst David Cameron’s conservatives remain in power shunning the Eurozone, Britain has about as much hope of winning a European political popularity contest as Turkey has.

“That’s a bit optimistic actually – you have far less chance than Turkey.

“Your man Engelbert didn’t really compare to the Russian ladies. They move a lot better for starters.”

Cameron rebuked for calling muttering idiot “muttering idiot”

David Cameron was rebuked by the speaker during Prime Minister’s questions today for calling Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls a muttering idiot.

John Bercow immediately told him to withdraw the insult as it did not fit in with the parliamentary etiquette, which involves MPs giggling and jeering like children whilst the nation watches on to learn how the country is going to get ripped apart in the next week.

Bercow said, “Order! Order! Where’s the fun in calling him a muttering idiot?

“This is Westminster – it’s no place for realism and the truth.

“Acceptable terms are smelly head and silly billy.”

Labour later insisted Cameron’s honesty proved beyond a doubt that the government’s entire economic policy is weak.

The BBC’s John Pienaar commented: “Cameron apparently reacted to a earlier jibe from Balls where he claimed that the Prime Minister’s mother was overweight.

“Balls denied he said this and told us that Cameron’s outburst was purely due to having to listen to Labour’s ridiculous political arguments and economic proposals.

“Or he would have said that if he had a clue what he was doing.

“Each party is trying to show that the other is dangerous for the country and the economy, but the vast majority of voters already know that whichever bunch of numpties are in power are going to take us down.”

Aung San Suu Kyi rueful at being upstaged by George Galloway

Hollow victory

Despite her historic by-election win in Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi has spoken of her regret at the result being announced after George Galloway’s in Bradford West, which overshadowed her victory.

She hailed it a “new era” for her country, although admitted it could not really compare to the revolution going on in Bradford.

And she said she hoped that the people of Bradford could provide the inspiration for the Burmese to seize their chance of democracy in the future.

“We’re trying to recreate the ‘Bradford Spring’ here now,” she said.

“I didn’t know they even got much of a spring in the UK and perhaps that’s why Galloway made such a big song and dance about it.

“He proclaimed his win the most spectacular in by-election history – bar none – so I can’t really follow that.”

 

Adored champion

Middle East vs Bradford West

Burma is not the only country whose peoples’ efforts to earn themselves a new age of democracy have been forgotten due to George Galloway and the students of Bradford.

One of the protestors leading the marches in Syria conceded, “It’s been hard for everyone to focus on overthrowing Assad since the celebrations of Galloway’s win started.

“Ourselves and the other Arab countries still fighting for freedom from dictatorships have all been distracted as we joyously celebrate the heavenly future the people of Bradford West are guaranteed under their glorious new leader.

“Bradford West is currently shining like a beacon of hope as the rest of us continue our struggle against governments who are nearly as bad as the UK’s coalition.”

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