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Archive for May, 2012

Hunt decided not to resign despite making Murdoch’s wife jealous

“I just called to say…”

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt told the Leveson Inquiry on Thursday that he decided it was not necessary for him to resign despite making James Murdoch’s wife jealous with ceaseless affectionate texts during the BSkyB bid.

David Cameron said Hunt was in the clear despite texts coming to light reading “We’re nearly there James!” and “If it gets past Brussels I’m all yours”.

Murdoch’s wife flew into a rage upon discovering only a selection of the intimate messages on her husband’s mobile, although Rupert’s partner did not react in similar fashion after being uninterested in such matters since the start up of Fox News.

Hunt admitted, “I considered resigning but as I was able to make my advisor a scapegoat and Dave at number 10 was more interested in stealing money from charities I really didn’t see the point.”

Bunch of Russian grannies far more appealing than Engelbert Humperdinck

They’ve still got it

Last night’s Eurovision conclusively proved that even a group of Russian grannies is more appealing to Europeans than Engelbert Humperdinck.

The UK edged Norway into last place in a style which reflected their abysmal friendly football victory, whilst Sweden won with Russia second.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel explained her vote: “Whilst David Cameron’s conservatives remain in power shunning the Eurozone, Britain has about as much hope of winning a European political popularity contest as Turkey has.

“That’s a bit optimistic actually – you have far less chance than Turkey.

“Your man Engelbert didn’t really compare to the Russian ladies. They move a lot better for starters.”

Cameron rebuked for calling muttering idiot “muttering idiot”

David Cameron was rebuked by the speaker during Prime Minister’s questions today for calling Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls a muttering idiot.

John Bercow immediately told him to withdraw the insult as it did not fit in with the parliamentary etiquette, which involves MPs giggling and jeering like children whilst the nation watches on to learn how the country is going to get ripped apart in the next week.

Bercow said, “Order! Order! Where’s the fun in calling him a muttering idiot?

“This is Westminster – it’s no place for realism and the truth.

“Acceptable terms are smelly head and silly billy.”

Labour later insisted Cameron’s honesty proved beyond a doubt that the government’s entire economic policy is weak.

The BBC’s John Pienaar commented: “Cameron apparently reacted to a earlier jibe from Balls where he claimed that the Prime Minister’s mother was overweight.

“Balls denied he said this and told us that Cameron’s outburst was purely due to having to listen to Labour’s ridiculous political arguments and economic proposals.

“Or he would have said that if he had a clue what he was doing.

“Each party is trying to show that the other is dangerous for the country and the economy, but the vast majority of voters already know that whichever bunch of numpties are in power are going to take us down.”

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