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Archive for April, 2012

Married men near Augusta nervous on learning Tiger Woods has mojo back (via Kicking Sport)

Reports that Tiger Woods is back to his best have left married men extremely nervous in the Augusta region of the US.

With the Masters due to start on Thursday, news of Woods being on top form was the last thing that guys in the area wanted to hear, although Woods might of course get distracted by playing golf.

Dennis, happily married for ten years and father of three, confirmed: “I’m a bit edgy about this week.

“Normally I’d traipse around the course yelling ‘COME ON TIGER’ and ‘GET IN THE HOLE’ but I’m really worried he’ll misunderstand me.

“Usually I’ll take the family down to watch the golf for a day but this year everyone’s gonna stay locked up for the weekend.”

Swinger

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James Murdoch resigns as head of own household

Former News International and BskyB chairman James Murdoch has been forced to step down as the head of his own household.

The announcement follows an uncomfortable investigation by his wife into who left some washing up undone on Saturday evening.

Murdoch and his media-mogul father, Rupert, were forced to attend a tribunal including James’ wife and children, but no-one was found guilty as everyone lied about everything so no-one even knew what was going on by the end of it.

Murdoch’s resignation means his wife will become head of the household, although he will stay on the board, along with his children.

Rupert will only be involved in an executive role by occasionally tapping the family’s phones.

 

Murdoch kitchen scandal

Dishing it out

James issued a statement: “It remains unclear who left the dishes dirty on Saturday but I’m pointing my finger at senior editorial staff who used to work for the “News of the World”.

“I had no knowledge of there being dirty dishes, nor did I receive any communication from my wife making me aware of the problem.

“I’m taking this step because I don’t want my family’s image tainted by allegations that an undisclosed amount of washing up was left undone at some point in the distant past.”

Aung San Suu Kyi rueful at being upstaged by George Galloway

Hollow victory

Despite her historic by-election win in Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi has spoken of her regret at the result being announced after George Galloway’s in Bradford West, which overshadowed her victory.

She hailed it a “new era” for her country, although admitted it could not really compare to the revolution going on in Bradford.

And she said she hoped that the people of Bradford could provide the inspiration for the Burmese to seize their chance of democracy in the future.

“We’re trying to recreate the ‘Bradford Spring’ here now,” she said.

“I didn’t know they even got much of a spring in the UK and perhaps that’s why Galloway made such a big song and dance about it.

“He proclaimed his win the most spectacular in by-election history – bar none – so I can’t really follow that.”

 

Adored champion

Middle East vs Bradford West

Burma is not the only country whose peoples’ efforts to earn themselves a new age of democracy have been forgotten due to George Galloway and the students of Bradford.

One of the protestors leading the marches in Syria conceded, “It’s been hard for everyone to focus on overthrowing Assad since the celebrations of Galloway’s win started.

“Ourselves and the other Arab countries still fighting for freedom from dictatorships have all been distracted as we joyously celebrate the heavenly future the people of Bradford West are guaranteed under their glorious new leader.

“Bradford West is currently shining like a beacon of hope as the rest of us continue our struggle against governments who are nearly as bad as the UK’s coalition.”

“Strauss-Kahn tried it on with me too,” insists Merkel

Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s reputation has taken a killer blow after Angela Merkel added her name to the everlasting list of women who claim he has tried to seduce them.

The German Chancellor revealed that the Frenchman made his move after a long and stimulating meeting discussing possible methods of fiscal stimulus for the Eurozone ran late in 2010.

“Everyone else went to bed and he immediately started acting differently,” Merkel explained.

Focused on economic growth

“He was talking a lot about his ‘special rescue package’ so I said I felt a migraine coming on.

“I told him he had more chance of solving the Greek debt crisis.”

Strauss-Kahn’s legal army were quick to refute the latest claims about their lucrative client.

One lawyer said, “Mr Strauss-Kahn categorically denies he implicitly approached Angela Merkel.

“He was actually rather blunt and explicit about his intentions.

“His political career was over a long time ago so his best shot seems to be as a late-blooming porn star, and why not?

“He’ll probably end up more popular than if he’d carried on with the IMF.”

Megamillions winners “ready” for life getting bothered by people like Dennis Rodman

The owners of the three winning tickets of the Mega Millions draw in the US are waking up to the realisation that their lives have changed forever.

Having won more than $200 million each, they will now spend each day avoiding people begging them to share their good fortune with them.

From now on, not only will they be rich beyond their wildest dreams, but they will also receive correspondence in the form of e-mails, phone calls and letters from strangers asking for money.

Lucky bounce

One of the first people who might be tempted to try the winners’ generosity is Dennis Rodman after the former NBA star was revealed to be in debt after blowing millions from his lucrative career.

But there are many, many more willing to try their luck in the hope of guilting the new Mega Millionaires into separating from a tiny fraction of their cash.

Reg from Texas insisted, “I couldn’t get a ticket cuz I spent it all on beers this month but I’ll be giving those lucky devils a call once I find out who they are and ask them to finance the boob-job I want my wife to have.

“They won’t notice the money’s gone.”

Mel from Arizona confidently added, “If they’re decent, God-fearing people they’ll give everything they’ve got to others who aren’t so fortunate, like me.

“That’s what I’d do.”

UK government slammed over food tax rhetoric after man gorges on pasties

The UK’s coalition government is facing a further hammering in the aftermath of the Budget as a man has been hospitalised after eating too many pasties in a rush in fear of the proposed food tax coming into affect earlier than expected.

This has resulted in there being no let up for the government as, despite there being a reduction in queues at petrol stations, their communication to the British public has been accused of influencing behaviour such as that of the pasty-gorger.

David Cameron is now suffering the same sort of infamy as Francis Maude since his comments about enjoying a pasty at Leeds railway station have been cited repeatedly in the media as encouraging people to eat large amounts of hot food.

A doctor at Rochester Hospital, where the man was kept overnight, stated, “A man in his forties was admitted yesterday afternoon having eaten copious amounts of pasties.

Cornish pasties

“Imagine the biggest pile of pasties ever, then double that and it’s something towards what this chap ate.

“We asked him what on earth happened but his mouth was still full.

“Then the pub landlord explained he’d eaten enough to keep his place in business for the next year at least.

“Having undertaken extensive medical examinations, I blame the Tories.”

 

Heated (food) debate

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls was quicker to jump on the bandwagon than a rich person is at avoiding tax.

“This terrible incident has come about because of the lack of leadership shown by the government in recent weeks,” Balls claimed.

“People are confused and frightened, so what can they do but shovel down tons of heated bakeries whilst they’re still on the cheap?

“I could get a full tank of fuel before this coalition made a collective statement which didn’t leave everyone rushing to Greggs.”

 

Slow-baked

With the full horror of the “Pasty Tax” not expected to come into effect until October, there is plenty of time for British society to crumble like pastry even further unless Cameron and his pie-hating cronies take drastic corrective action.

Concerns are already growing about the possibility of the “Pasty Riots” being organised around every high street bakery this summer.

Readers are advised not to leave their homes unless absolutely necessary – apart from when the pasty supplies are running low.

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