Hunt decided not to resign despite making Murdoch’s wife jealous

“I just called to say…”

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt told the Leveson Inquiry on Thursday that he decided it was not necessary for him to resign despite making James Murdoch’s wife jealous with ceaseless affectionate texts during the BSkyB bid.

David Cameron said Hunt was in the clear despite texts coming to light reading “We’re nearly there James!” and “If it gets past Brussels I’m all yours”.

Murdoch’s wife flew into a rage upon discovering only a selection of the intimate messages on her husband’s mobile, although Rupert’s partner did not react in similar fashion after being uninterested in such matters since the start up of Fox News.

Hunt admitted, “I considered resigning but as I was able to make my advisor a scapegoat and Dave at number 10 was more interested in stealing money from charities I really didn’t see the point.”

Bunch of Russian grannies far more appealing than Engelbert Humperdinck

They’ve still got it

Last night’s Eurovision conclusively proved that even a group of Russian grannies is more appealing to Europeans than Engelbert Humperdinck.

The UK edged Norway into last place in a style which reflected their abysmal friendly football victory, whilst Sweden won with Russia second.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel explained her vote: “Whilst David Cameron’s conservatives remain in power shunning the Eurozone, Britain has about as much hope of winning a European political popularity contest as Turkey has.

“That’s a bit optimistic actually – you have far less chance than Turkey.

“Your man Engelbert didn’t really compare to the Russian ladies. They move a lot better for starters.”

Cameron rebuked for calling muttering idiot “muttering idiot”

David Cameron was rebuked by the speaker during Prime Minister’s questions today for calling Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls a muttering idiot.

John Bercow immediately told him to withdraw the insult as it did not fit in with the parliamentary etiquette, which involves MPs giggling and jeering like children whilst the nation watches on to learn how the country is going to get ripped apart in the next week.

Bercow said, “Order! Order! Where’s the fun in calling him a muttering idiot?

“This is Westminster – it’s no place for realism and the truth.

“Acceptable terms are smelly head and silly billy.”

Labour later insisted Cameron’s honesty proved beyond a doubt that the government’s entire economic policy is weak.

The BBC’s John Pienaar commented: “Cameron apparently reacted to a earlier jibe from Balls where he claimed that the Prime Minister’s mother was overweight.

“Balls denied he said this and told us that Cameron’s outburst was purely due to having to listen to Labour’s ridiculous political arguments and economic proposals.

“Or he would have said that if he had a clue what he was doing.

“Each party is trying to show that the other is dangerous for the country and the economy, but the vast majority of voters already know that whichever bunch of numpties are in power are going to take us down.”

Married men near Augusta nervous on learning Tiger Woods has mojo back (via Kicking Sport)

Reports that Tiger Woods is back to his best have left married men extremely nervous in the Augusta region of the US.

With the Masters due to start on Thursday, news of Woods being on top form was the last thing that guys in the area wanted to hear, although Woods might of course get distracted by playing golf.

Dennis, happily married for ten years and father of three, confirmed: “I’m a bit edgy about this week.

“Normally I’d traipse around the course yelling ‘COME ON TIGER’ and ‘GET IN THE HOLE’ but I’m really worried he’ll misunderstand me.

“Usually I’ll take the family down to watch the golf for a day but this year everyone’s gonna stay locked up for the weekend.”

Swinger

James Murdoch resigns as head of own household

Former News International and BskyB chairman James Murdoch has been forced to step down as the head of his own household.

The announcement follows an uncomfortable investigation by his wife into who left some washing up undone on Saturday evening.

Murdoch and his media-mogul father, Rupert, were forced to attend a tribunal including James’ wife and children, but no-one was found guilty as everyone lied about everything so no-one even knew what was going on by the end of it.

Murdoch’s resignation means his wife will become head of the household, although he will stay on the board, along with his children.

Rupert will only be involved in an executive role by occasionally tapping the family’s phones.

 

Murdoch kitchen scandal

Dishing it out

James issued a statement: “It remains unclear who left the dishes dirty on Saturday but I’m pointing my finger at senior editorial staff who used to work for the “News of the World”.

“I had no knowledge of there being dirty dishes, nor did I receive any communication from my wife making me aware of the problem.

“I’m taking this step because I don’t want my family’s image tainted by allegations that an undisclosed amount of washing up was left undone at some point in the distant past.”

Aung San Suu Kyi rueful at being upstaged by George Galloway

Hollow victory

Despite her historic by-election win in Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi has spoken of her regret at the result being announced after George Galloway’s in Bradford West, which overshadowed her victory.

She hailed it a “new era” for her country, although admitted it could not really compare to the revolution going on in Bradford.

And she said she hoped that the people of Bradford could provide the inspiration for the Burmese to seize their chance of democracy in the future.

“We’re trying to recreate the ‘Bradford Spring’ here now,” she said.

“I didn’t know they even got much of a spring in the UK and perhaps that’s why Galloway made such a big song and dance about it.

“He proclaimed his win the most spectacular in by-election history – bar none – so I can’t really follow that.”

 

Adored champion

Middle East vs Bradford West

Burma is not the only country whose peoples’ efforts to earn themselves a new age of democracy have been forgotten due to George Galloway and the students of Bradford.

One of the protestors leading the marches in Syria conceded, “It’s been hard for everyone to focus on overthrowing Assad since the celebrations of Galloway’s win started.

“Ourselves and the other Arab countries still fighting for freedom from dictatorships have all been distracted as we joyously celebrate the heavenly future the people of Bradford West are guaranteed under their glorious new leader.

“Bradford West is currently shining like a beacon of hope as the rest of us continue our struggle against governments who are nearly as bad as the UK’s coalition.”

“Strauss-Kahn tried it on with me too,” insists Merkel

Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s reputation has taken a killer blow after Angela Merkel added her name to the everlasting list of women who claim he has tried to seduce them.

The German Chancellor revealed that the Frenchman made his move after a long and stimulating meeting discussing possible methods of fiscal stimulus for the Eurozone ran late in 2010.

“Everyone else went to bed and he immediately started acting differently,” Merkel explained.

Focused on economic growth

“He was talking a lot about his ‘special rescue package’ so I said I felt a migraine coming on.

“I told him he had more chance of solving the Greek debt crisis.”

Strauss-Kahn’s legal army were quick to refute the latest claims about their lucrative client.

One lawyer said, “Mr Strauss-Kahn categorically denies he implicitly approached Angela Merkel.

“He was actually rather blunt and explicit about his intentions.

“His political career was over a long time ago so his best shot seems to be as a late-blooming porn star, and why not?

“He’ll probably end up more popular than if he’d carried on with the IMF.”

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