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Nick Clegg to close Lib Dem conference with live autotune performance

Liberal Democrat chief scapegoat Nick Clegg is set to close the party’s conference in Brighton in fittingly absurd fashion by performing the autotune remix of his recently derided apology Youtube video.

It will conclude other unbelievable statements such as him claiming that the party should be proud of what they have achieved in government.

Next year’s gathering may be rebranded the Liberal Democrat Comedy Club as a result.

Policeman recommended for promotion after calling coalition “bunch of plebbs”

Politically correct

A policeman who often stands on duty outside Downing Street has given himself a good chance of promotion after hurling abuse at coalition ministers he lets it.

The bobby was commended for his honesty and shrewdness by identifying Nick Clegg and Andrew Mitchell amongst others as “plebbs” and other unpleasant things which cannot be repeated here.

One of his senior officers in the Met confided, “He displayed the right qualities and approach that we look for our officers when they deal with politicians.

“Whether he actually gets his promotion will depend on how he lays into Clegg in regards to the new video remix the dipstick allowed.”

Jimmy Carr’s tax return his funniest joke yet – HMRC

Comedian Jimmy Carr’s latest classic prank was played on a risky victim – Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

HMRC stated, “Normally Carr’s humour doesn’t do much for our staff, but one look at his tax return had them rolling on the floor.

“Joke’s on him this time.”

Prince Philip pulls “sicky” to get out of Jubilee events

Rough diamond (Jubilee)

Prince Philip has been taken to hospital feeling “under the weather” after realising he had another day or so of the Diamond Jubilee events to endure.

The Duke of Edinburgh took a severe turn for the worst upon learning the line up for tonight Buckingham Palace concert included Gary Barlow, Kylie Minogue and JLS.

One of his aide’s confessed, “I let it slip that Sir Paul McCartney could be performing up to four songs, and he then started complaining about something. For a change.”

It could prove to be the perfect end to the extended Jubilee weekend for the Queen, who was rumoured to be longing for a break from the miserable old sod.

Lady Warsi reports Labour party to police for being load of numpties

Lady Warsi has reported the Labour party to the police for being such an incompetent bunch of muppets.

It counteracts their move against her last night where an MP reported her to the police despite having no evidence whatsoever.

Warsi justified her retaliation: “I have significantly more evidence for reporting them based on their two years in opposition.

“This is a group of individuals who are fairly open about their plans to put Ed Balls in charge of the nation’s economy.

“If that’s not criminal intent, I don’t know what is.”

Hunt decided not to resign despite making Murdoch’s wife jealous

“I just called to say…”

Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt told the Leveson Inquiry on Thursday that he decided it was not necessary for him to resign despite making James Murdoch’s wife jealous with ceaseless affectionate texts during the BSkyB bid.

David Cameron said Hunt was in the clear despite texts coming to light reading “We’re nearly there James!” and “If it gets past Brussels I’m all yours”.

Murdoch’s wife flew into a rage upon discovering only a selection of the intimate messages on her husband’s mobile, although Rupert’s partner did not react in similar fashion after being uninterested in such matters since the start up of Fox News.

Hunt admitted, “I considered resigning but as I was able to make my advisor a scapegoat and Dave at number 10 was more interested in stealing money from charities I really didn’t see the point.”

Cameron rebuked for calling muttering idiot “muttering idiot”

David Cameron was rebuked by the speaker during Prime Minister’s questions today for calling Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls a muttering idiot.

John Bercow immediately told him to withdraw the insult as it did not fit in with the parliamentary etiquette, which involves MPs giggling and jeering like children whilst the nation watches on to learn how the country is going to get ripped apart in the next week.

Bercow said, “Order! Order! Where’s the fun in calling him a muttering idiot?

“This is Westminster – it’s no place for realism and the truth.

“Acceptable terms are smelly head and silly billy.”

Labour later insisted Cameron’s honesty proved beyond a doubt that the government’s entire economic policy is weak.

The BBC’s John Pienaar commented: “Cameron apparently reacted to a earlier jibe from Balls where he claimed that the Prime Minister’s mother was overweight.

“Balls denied he said this and told us that Cameron’s outburst was purely due to having to listen to Labour’s ridiculous political arguments and economic proposals.

“Or he would have said that if he had a clue what he was doing.

“Each party is trying to show that the other is dangerous for the country and the economy, but the vast majority of voters already know that whichever bunch of numpties are in power are going to take us down.”

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